Feb. 11, 2015

If you’re in college and as perpetually single as I am, no matter how happy and flirtatious you claim to be, you’ve probably figured out that there are two times throughout the day when a blanket of insurmountable loneliness smothers your very existence.

These moments of extreme loneliness, though different, are for the most part inseparable. The first comes in the latest hours of the night – somewhere between bar-close and alcohol-induced snoring.

The second arrives shortly after the snoring, when blood-shot eyes and a throbbing head want nothing more than some company and a crappy romantic comedie.

How does one fight the growing loneliness? Reach for the phone…scroll through contacts…text ex – stop right there! Do not text the ex! It’s been six months, man, and it’s about high time you had yourself a rebound.

Luckily, like everything else nowadays, there’s an app for that. It’s called Tinder, and it’s one of the many hip new ways young people are hooking up.

To get started, Tinder syncs up to your Facebook and lets you pick five of your hottest pics for your profile. Personally, I’d recommend putting your best duck faces on there. Duck faces ooze promiscuity.

Then, Tinder lets you get to work. By work, I mean superficially swiping potential matches “right” if you think they’re attractive, or “left” if you’re just not that into them. Or if they take too many selfies. Or if they have funny eyebrows. Or if they take pictures with cats. Or if any other shallow judgments result in a “red flag.”

Eventually, all of those attractive humans you swiped right will have the chance to swipe you right and then, voila! It’s a match!

Tinder then compiles all of your matches onto a kind of contact list where you’re free to message, flirt or antagonize your matches with bravado brought on by assumed mutual attraction.

That’s where Tinder can get a little weird. It’s all fun and games until someone sends a “hey” with three y’s (Heyyy!). See how flirtatious that looks? It’s like a winky face without being a winky face.

Anyway, flirty text jargon aside, messaging on Tinder is always a trip. You might be talking to a computer, a 40-year-old man or the girl from your GenEd class.

Like all online dating software, you have to be careful when you’re talking to people you’ve never met. But who knows, if you’re careful and you run your Tinder game like a real O.G., you might find your future spouse.

That’s the thing about Tinder – it is what you make of it. For me, it’s a confidence boost. Look at all these hot people who think I’m hot! For that reason, I’m swiping Tinder right.