March 15, 2016

First, and I know I’m not alone in this, those things called “hoverboards” are not hoverboards. They are simply self-balancing “tool” scooters. They do not hover, and there is nothing special or futuristic about them.

These self-balancing scooters were banned from UW-Whitewater’s Resident Halls, and personally I’m rather grateful. The main reason for the ban is due to the scooter’s spontaneously combustive habits.

The idea of watching one of those things explode sounds pretty awesome, but there would likely be some pretty severe and expensive damage to the campus, along with the  students.

The reason for these explosions is due to their rechargeable lithium ion batteries, according to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC).

Some companies have claimed that it’s the lower quality scooters; however, experts have said that overcharging can damage the best batteries.

Combine that with the fact that these batteries are housed beneath foot rests where they are stepped on, kicked, stomped and damaged by wipe-outs, and you have a ticking time bomb.

To make it clear: your laptop wouldn’t be capable of sustaining such abuse and still work. That’s pretty much what these self-balancing scooters are, just extremely crappy laptops with wheels.

The point I’m trying to make is that the battery itself is not to blame, as much as the crappy technology that they’re being made to power.

Other than the fire hazard, self-balancing scooters seem to also promote irresponsible driving.

Riders zip around around corners so suddenly and silently. Their actions verge on madness. Not to mention those riders who tailgate people walking ahead of them, as though they believe that’ll make them walk faster.

At this point the only thing wonderful about self-balancing scooters are the accidents.

I’m not typically someone who enjoys watching people fall down or crash, but there’s a special little joy that bubbles up when you see that scooter shoot out from under its rider. I don’t hope for conclusions or broken bones, but just one of those humble epiphanies wouldn’t hurt.

Self-balancing scooters are just another annoying fad in mobility, like the Razor Scooter, Segway or those awful Heely’s shoes.

Like those before them, self-balancing scooters will lose their luster, it will be a fabulous time when they do and I’ll have to find something new to be annoyed by.

Perhaps a hoverboard that actually hovers? That would  be pretty fascinating before those codger-like feelings begin to re-emerge.

Until that time, I believe that UW-W made a wise decision when they banned those scooters from Residence Halls. Yeah, it puts the student body in less danger of explosions, but it has also made the pedestrian class-to-class commute much less infuriating.

Now, if only they could convince some members of the student body to flush. Seriously, you’re adults now, clean up your own messes.