Feb. 2, 2016

There are worse things than being single on Valentine’s Day.

This is one of those times in the year when people are subconsciously obligated to find someone “special-enough” to do something “romantic-enough” with.

There are some who’ve decided to forgo the status quo and celebrate their aloneness by binging on chocolates and wine; essentially the same thing they do every weekend, except this time in the name of some ancient Pagan holiday.

Looking into the history of Valentine’s Day reveals a fair amount of brutal savagery. The event was once a drunken feast called Lupercalia where dogs and goats were sacrificed, their hides made into whips for men to lash the women in order to make them fertile.

Eons later the Christians renamed the holiday after two martyrs, both named Valentine, who had been killed on February 14. Eventually Lupercalia and St. Valentine’s Day became fused into the holiday we all know and dread today.

My suggestion is we should bring back that bloody tradition that once was Lupercalia, but with much less literal bloodshed. I believe for those who don’t want to be associated with a holiday of forced coupledom or a day quasi-sarcastic loneliness, there can be a much more entertaining third option.

This new version would be a mixture of Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo and the good parts of Thanksgiving.

The night could be celebrated with one person or significant amount of friendly faces. The night could begin with the soundtrack to “The Rocky Horror Show” while cupcakes designed to look like anatomical hearts are consumed. A nice punch bowl of  bloody-looking sangria will help keep the party joyful while everyone reveals their pot-luck surprises; roasted chicken with herbs, onions and cherry tomatoes, twice-baked potatoes, a pasta bake, as well as the obligatory pasta salad along with any other inspired dishes.

As the night winds down Bram Stoker’s Dracula can help heighten whatever bloodied romantic tension that could be teased out. While the film plays, a fun game of rip-the-heart-out-of-the-goat can take its course with a goat shaped piñata filled with those chalky candied hearts. The holiday can even be renamed Kali-Ma for the Indiana Jones inclined.

The best part? This celebration is just as much fun alone as long as there’s more than enough sangria. The only issue would be the hungover morning after in an apartment littered with candied hearts ground into the carpet, a half eaten chicken resting on the sofa, a very empty punch bowl while “Sweet Transvestite” mysteriously plays on repeat. It’s still better than being whipped with a fresh hunk of dead goat, or some other awkward dating scenario.